Lately, I have been struggling again with feeling like surplus. There are billions of people on the planet and millions of Christians. I am called to be a light in the world, however, I feel like excess. I have wondered if maybe God made a mistake. The things that make me unique are present in others (compassion and loyalty).
Something changed last night, I was thinking about flowers. If we liken the word flower to child of God, there is a symbolance. God didn't stop with just making a rose or a lilly (the variations can be compared to our traits like compassion and loyalty). God also made types of flowers just like there are many different people.
I trying to old onto this new way of thinking. Revising my way of thinking isn't easy however, I hope that it continues to grow my relationship with God.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Letting Go of a Little more
This weekend I changed cell phone carrier so in order to keep contacts I have to enter it into the new phone.
I have purposefully decided not to add Dane's number into the new phone. Severing one of the last ties I have to him. It is a bittersweet moment and one I am not fully sure that I want to make happen. What if we do want that elusive friendship that everyone always claims that they will have? That just spurs a valid question: Why would I want to be friends with someone who has so unrepentantly hurt me?
Aside from the cheeky response that everyone subconsciously craves some kind of pain. The honest answer is that I wouldn't want that friendship. One of the things that I have been working to accept is that the friendship side of our relationship was almost nonexistent. It is nearly impossible to rekindle a friendship that never truly existed to begin with .
Which only justifies that I need to let go of his number. If only letting go was as easy as it sounds.
I have purposefully decided not to add Dane's number into the new phone. Severing one of the last ties I have to him. It is a bittersweet moment and one I am not fully sure that I want to make happen. What if we do want that elusive friendship that everyone always claims that they will have? That just spurs a valid question: Why would I want to be friends with someone who has so unrepentantly hurt me?
Aside from the cheeky response that everyone subconsciously craves some kind of pain. The honest answer is that I wouldn't want that friendship. One of the things that I have been working to accept is that the friendship side of our relationship was almost nonexistent. It is nearly impossible to rekindle a friendship that never truly existed to begin with .
Which only justifies that I need to let go of his number. If only letting go was as easy as it sounds.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Unexpected Blessings
I had always expected that I would be in medical school by this point. That I would be in a loving committed relationship and that we'd be discussing marriage.
I am a planner. I feel safer with a game plan than with spontaneity.
Tonight as my niece cried for me as I left the table despite Nana and Aunt Mary's presence, an epiphany hit me with full force. Maybe the unknowns are better than our expectations. I never expected to have the role in my niece and nephew's lives that I hold. However I am blessed by these opportunities.
I will probably never be comfortable with a life devoid of plans. However I am hoping that I can give those plans back to God and I can rely upon Him.
Maybe God doesn't tell us the game plan because it is so full of oddities that we would be unable to comprehend or accept it. For example trying to explain to a cave man what an airplane or space ship is.
I understand that I may not be able to know all of the details of the game plan, but I really struggle with not even knowing if I am on the path that God wants for my life.
I am a planner. I feel safer with a game plan than with spontaneity.
Tonight as my niece cried for me as I left the table despite Nana and Aunt Mary's presence, an epiphany hit me with full force. Maybe the unknowns are better than our expectations. I never expected to have the role in my niece and nephew's lives that I hold. However I am blessed by these opportunities.
I will probably never be comfortable with a life devoid of plans. However I am hoping that I can give those plans back to God and I can rely upon Him.
Maybe God doesn't tell us the game plan because it is so full of oddities that we would be unable to comprehend or accept it. For example trying to explain to a cave man what an airplane or space ship is.
I understand that I may not be able to know all of the details of the game plan, but I really struggle with not even knowing if I am on the path that God wants for my life.
Eating Out..
My birthday was last Thursday. My parents are taking me out this evening to celebrate. My dad sent me a some what frantic text, "Where do you want to eat?" It was the 3rd or 4th time he had asked me.
This is where having an onion and garlic allergy and loving food that generally is made with those items causes me large problems. As I was trying to reply, he called me. As he asked once again where I wanted to eat, I wanted to cry. Where I wanted to eat I knew that I would end up ordering food that would only cause me pain.
I want the Pesto Portabello from Avivo (which has garlic in it). I want the French Onion Soup from Imbiss Grille (which is a really bad idea and the restaurant no longer even exists). I want the Chicken Picata or Eggplant Parmesan from Sweet Basil. I want fajitas. I want real BBQ sauce. I want the Mongolian Beef from the Magic Wok. I want salsa (that doesn't taste sweet) and chips. I want ravioli. I want real pizza. I want Salad Dressing. I want ketchup. I want to be able to eat anything that is on a buffet and not have to ask everyone what and how they made their contributions. I want to ignore labels. I want to be able to go out to a restaurant with friends and not have to give such specific directions and ask so many questions that I am the problem customer. I want Sour Cream and Chives Potato Chips.
I do not want to have sores in my mouth. I do not want an upset stomach. I do not want to vomit or have other digestion problems. I do not want hives or to nearly scratch off my skin when I am too close to lilies. I do not want to fear that when an ingredient label says "spices" it generally includes onions.
I was expressing my frustration to my cousin who also has these allergies. When I asked her to say that it is ok to splurge because its my birthday. She asked me, "Do you want to end up in the hospital?" I then realized how lucky I am. I am not yet to the place where splurging lands me in the hospital. I occasionally splurge, like the chicken pesto cavatappi that I had from noodles 2 weeks ago and I paid for it with an upset stomach and a headache.
This ultimately comes down to what I willing to live with: Safe food and no pain? Or foods that I miss and have problems?
I decided to go to HuHot tomorrow. I will use the sesame oil and soy sauce. Which I have found that I really love. It takes a lot more effort to eat out than it once did, however I am trying to live a normal life.
This is where having an onion and garlic allergy and loving food that generally is made with those items causes me large problems. As I was trying to reply, he called me. As he asked once again where I wanted to eat, I wanted to cry. Where I wanted to eat I knew that I would end up ordering food that would only cause me pain.
I want the Pesto Portabello from Avivo (which has garlic in it). I want the French Onion Soup from Imbiss Grille (which is a really bad idea and the restaurant no longer even exists). I want the Chicken Picata or Eggplant Parmesan from Sweet Basil. I want fajitas. I want real BBQ sauce. I want the Mongolian Beef from the Magic Wok. I want salsa (that doesn't taste sweet) and chips. I want ravioli. I want real pizza. I want Salad Dressing. I want ketchup. I want to be able to eat anything that is on a buffet and not have to ask everyone what and how they made their contributions. I want to ignore labels. I want to be able to go out to a restaurant with friends and not have to give such specific directions and ask so many questions that I am the problem customer. I want Sour Cream and Chives Potato Chips.
I do not want to have sores in my mouth. I do not want an upset stomach. I do not want to vomit or have other digestion problems. I do not want hives or to nearly scratch off my skin when I am too close to lilies. I do not want to fear that when an ingredient label says "spices" it generally includes onions.
I was expressing my frustration to my cousin who also has these allergies. When I asked her to say that it is ok to splurge because its my birthday. She asked me, "Do you want to end up in the hospital?" I then realized how lucky I am. I am not yet to the place where splurging lands me in the hospital. I occasionally splurge, like the chicken pesto cavatappi that I had from noodles 2 weeks ago and I paid for it with an upset stomach and a headache.
This ultimately comes down to what I willing to live with: Safe food and no pain? Or foods that I miss and have problems?
I decided to go to HuHot tomorrow. I will use the sesame oil and soy sauce. Which I have found that I really love. It takes a lot more effort to eat out than it once did, however I am trying to live a normal life.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Guess who ran a 5k race?
If you have known me since childhood then you know that I hated running. My freshman year of high school for the timed run I walked most of it.
Then something happened, I found the value in running. Armed with the proper shoes and leggings the things that I hated about running before disappeared. There are still things that I wish didn't happen like my right foot occasionally drags, which almost tripped me this morning. But who wouldn't have balance issues with a misshapen foot?
A year ago when I seriously began running I said I would do a 5k and race after race came and went and I never did one. I set this goal to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do the things that scare me. I am not comfortable in large groups of athletic people. Nor am I comfortable attending events alone when everyone else has a friend or partner. However I can do it. I proved that today by standing at the starting line as more and more people filed over, part of me wanted to panic and go to the end. Part of me wanted to cry because I was alone. As I was running I realized I wasn't the only person with out a running partner. Sure the woman in the pink striped top that I followed for a mile, had someone waiting at the finish line but throughout the race there was no one beside her. There was just me a yard behind her, trying to keep up.
As I reflect upon today's race, I realize how very much it is like life. Everyone goes at there own pace. Sometimes they have people who are close to them, who encourage them and work with them through the daily stuff. Sometimes they are alone, but not truly alone. There are people who barely enter our lives but assist us in small but meaningful ways. When I came upon the first water station today I didn't realize how much I truly needed it until the water was unsuccessfully sliding down my throat (I ended up spilling most of the first cup down my front, it's pretty difficult to run and drink at the same time). Or at the end of the race as I ran past a group of teenage girls cheering us on. Those people barely touched my life but they had an impact.
I wonder if we are ever fully aware of who all we are touching with our lives even if it just through the ripples that we cause?
Then something happened, I found the value in running. Armed with the proper shoes and leggings the things that I hated about running before disappeared. There are still things that I wish didn't happen like my right foot occasionally drags, which almost tripped me this morning. But who wouldn't have balance issues with a misshapen foot?
A year ago when I seriously began running I said I would do a 5k and race after race came and went and I never did one. I set this goal to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do the things that scare me. I am not comfortable in large groups of athletic people. Nor am I comfortable attending events alone when everyone else has a friend or partner. However I can do it. I proved that today by standing at the starting line as more and more people filed over, part of me wanted to panic and go to the end. Part of me wanted to cry because I was alone. As I was running I realized I wasn't the only person with out a running partner. Sure the woman in the pink striped top that I followed for a mile, had someone waiting at the finish line but throughout the race there was no one beside her. There was just me a yard behind her, trying to keep up.
As I reflect upon today's race, I realize how very much it is like life. Everyone goes at there own pace. Sometimes they have people who are close to them, who encourage them and work with them through the daily stuff. Sometimes they are alone, but not truly alone. There are people who barely enter our lives but assist us in small but meaningful ways. When I came upon the first water station today I didn't realize how much I truly needed it until the water was unsuccessfully sliding down my throat (I ended up spilling most of the first cup down my front, it's pretty difficult to run and drink at the same time). Or at the end of the race as I ran past a group of teenage girls cheering us on. Those people barely touched my life but they had an impact.
I wonder if we are ever fully aware of who all we are touching with our lives even if it just through the ripples that we cause?
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Have I really made progress?
Last week, I made some big decisions in regards to my schooling. I am taking a break to focus on some other things and part of wonders if I have even made any progress in the last year? Last year I made a similar decision and school was placed on hold i made grand plans to resolve the issues and then the time flew by and I couldn't do it. I didn't do the work, so what makes me think that I can do the work this time?
I have to give myself credit though I was suffering from a broken heart after Dane left. I had to erase plans we had made, plans he probably wouldn't even remember making. I am aware now that I am the kind of person that if you give my 1 mm of hope I will turn it into 10 cm. Maybe I should say that differently. I am the kind of person who only needs 1 mm of hope when most people would need 10 cm.
I am feeling disappointed in myself because I didn't do the work last time and I wasn't aware of how much that has hurt me until now. However I have made progress already I have made appointments. I have done some research. This time I also have someone who I didn't have last time. I have an accountability partner who is really good at keeping me motivated. Who helps me celebrate even the smallest progress. What someone else who see as nothing she sees it as I see it as something worthy of a small happy dance.
Emotional work and self discovery are similar to my car. My car breaks down and because I frequently travel the same roads it is not a bazaar event if my car were to break down on the same road or even in the same spot. Well emotionally I have broken down in the same spot that I was last year. Though I am in the same spot it is not the same problem and that is what makes all the difference.
I have to give myself credit though I was suffering from a broken heart after Dane left. I had to erase plans we had made, plans he probably wouldn't even remember making. I am aware now that I am the kind of person that if you give my 1 mm of hope I will turn it into 10 cm. Maybe I should say that differently. I am the kind of person who only needs 1 mm of hope when most people would need 10 cm.
I am feeling disappointed in myself because I didn't do the work last time and I wasn't aware of how much that has hurt me until now. However I have made progress already I have made appointments. I have done some research. This time I also have someone who I didn't have last time. I have an accountability partner who is really good at keeping me motivated. Who helps me celebrate even the smallest progress. What someone else who see as nothing she sees it as I see it as something worthy of a small happy dance.
Emotional work and self discovery are similar to my car. My car breaks down and because I frequently travel the same roads it is not a bazaar event if my car were to break down on the same road or even in the same spot. Well emotionally I have broken down in the same spot that I was last year. Though I am in the same spot it is not the same problem and that is what makes all the difference.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Relinquishing his stuff...
Who was it that decided that the best course of action for a person who has just had their heart broken is the getting rid of stuff? Why do I have to purge my life of an orange vase, a sweatshirt and cards? Even more importantly who came up with such an accelerated time line? Someone recently scolded me because I still have things that Dane gave me.
Part of me wants to hold onto these things to remember the good times. As proof that they really did happen and I didn't imagine it. Part of me wants to hold onto the things as proof that I am desirable. I am not the bookish freak that I sometimes fear that I am.
But what if the events in which those things were given were really so small and because I was so desperate to be loved I blew things out of proportion?
How is someone supposed to know what the difference between love and lust? Why is it our automatic answer that if he didn't want to be with me forever then what he must have felt is lust not love?
Why is it that after thousands of years, no one has this figured out just yet?
Tonight I am left with more questions than answers.
Part of me wants to hold onto these things to remember the good times. As proof that they really did happen and I didn't imagine it. Part of me wants to hold onto the things as proof that I am desirable. I am not the bookish freak that I sometimes fear that I am.
But what if the events in which those things were given were really so small and because I was so desperate to be loved I blew things out of proportion?
How is someone supposed to know what the difference between love and lust? Why is it our automatic answer that if he didn't want to be with me forever then what he must have felt is lust not love?
Why is it that after thousands of years, no one has this figured out just yet?
Tonight I am left with more questions than answers.
Learning What I can and Can't do
~Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can.~ John Wooden
I cannot get married... because I do not have a someone willing to be my husband yet.
But I can be a good friend.
I cannot be a mother... because I am not a wife.
But I can be a good Aunt.
I cannot go on to be a P.A. ... because I cannot pass the per-requisites.
But I can
I cannot run at Olympic qualifying speed... because I am just not that fast.
But I can run at my pace and earn money for good causes.
But I can run and be healthy because of it.
I saw the above quote on a friend's facebook page and thought, 'Exactly, that is what I am trying to accept, what I can and cannot do.' So I have given a few examples.
I know that I haven't been posting my thankful lists.
1. I am thankful for naptime.
2. I am thankful for a loving and encouraging family.
3. I am thankful that unopened macaroni cups are just as entertaining as rattles.
I cannot get married... because I do not have a someone willing to be my husband yet.
But I can be a good friend.
I cannot be a mother... because I am not a wife.
But I can be a good Aunt.
I cannot go on to be a P.A. ... because I cannot pass the per-requisites.
But I can
I cannot run at Olympic qualifying speed... because I am just not that fast.
But I can run at my pace and earn money for good causes.
But I can run and be healthy because of it.
I saw the above quote on a friend's facebook page and thought, 'Exactly, that is what I am trying to accept, what I can and cannot do.' So I have given a few examples.
I know that I haven't been posting my thankful lists.
1. I am thankful for naptime.
2. I am thankful for a loving and encouraging family.
3. I am thankful that unopened macaroni cups are just as entertaining as rattles.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Losing and Finding Myself
After a break up most people I know make a change in their lives. They move because there are too many memories of the person in the old apartment. They get a tattoo or a piercing. They go on drinking binges. They get a new hair color and cut.
Last September, I didn't want to be Jenn any longer. I thought maybe I was attracting the wrong guys because I was blond and they assumed that I was something that I am not. So my amazing friend CD, colored my hair. It was brown and I loved it and I continued to love it for about 6 months. Then I realized I didn't like brunette Jenn. When I changed my hair color, I had changed one of the things that I loved most about myself. One of the things that made me feel connected to my family.
I had been attempting to distance myself from Dane, but the only people I managed to feel distanced from were my family members and myself.
I feel as if I lived those first 6 months in a pain induced haze. I was there, but I really wasn't there. There were a few moments of happiness, but at the end of the day my distress swallowed me whole. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how someone who had purchased a ring and had wanted to marry me, changed his mind and magically no longer loved me. Was his love like a light switch? Was it really that easy for him to turn off and on?
I analyzed and reanalyzed every moment I spent with him. Trying to learn my mistakes. While I was searching for answers that never came. I became lost. I became the sad heartbroken person, who lost her joy for life. I became so angry at God, that my nightly crying ritual that began with missing Dane turned into me yelling at God. I begged for God to take away the pain that sat on my heart, but the following day it was still there. I didn't realize at the time that it was slowly getting smaller and smaller because the stone was so large to begin with.
I no longer miss Dane. I am still confused. Sometimes I daydream about asking him ,"Why?" I think his only answer is that he came back really messed up from the war. I want to ask him if he ever really loved me or if he only loved that I had been waiting for him while he was deployed.
I am no longer as angry at God either. I realize that if I had been totally listening to God I would have known from the very beginning that it was bad idea to date Dane. That is one of the reasons why I am spending the next year not dating. I want to be more dependent on God, I want to live everyday listening for the voice of God that comes as a quiet whisper like it did for Elijah.
My joy for life is returning and is almost at full speed again. When you are part of a couple, you give a part of yourself to the other person. You hope that they will cherish it and that you will walk together through life growing together. When a break up occurs, you may get part of what you gave the other person back like your CDs or your house keys but more likely than not the part of your heart that you gave to them will not come back as whole. The post break up period is about accepting and figuring out who that new person is.
I may have lost the desperate to be loved girl that I was but I am finding the strong woman that I want to be.
Last September, I didn't want to be Jenn any longer. I thought maybe I was attracting the wrong guys because I was blond and they assumed that I was something that I am not. So my amazing friend CD, colored my hair. It was brown and I loved it and I continued to love it for about 6 months. Then I realized I didn't like brunette Jenn. When I changed my hair color, I had changed one of the things that I loved most about myself. One of the things that made me feel connected to my family.
I had been attempting to distance myself from Dane, but the only people I managed to feel distanced from were my family members and myself.
I feel as if I lived those first 6 months in a pain induced haze. I was there, but I really wasn't there. There were a few moments of happiness, but at the end of the day my distress swallowed me whole. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how someone who had purchased a ring and had wanted to marry me, changed his mind and magically no longer loved me. Was his love like a light switch? Was it really that easy for him to turn off and on?
I analyzed and reanalyzed every moment I spent with him. Trying to learn my mistakes. While I was searching for answers that never came. I became lost. I became the sad heartbroken person, who lost her joy for life. I became so angry at God, that my nightly crying ritual that began with missing Dane turned into me yelling at God. I begged for God to take away the pain that sat on my heart, but the following day it was still there. I didn't realize at the time that it was slowly getting smaller and smaller because the stone was so large to begin with.
I no longer miss Dane. I am still confused. Sometimes I daydream about asking him ,"Why?" I think his only answer is that he came back really messed up from the war. I want to ask him if he ever really loved me or if he only loved that I had been waiting for him while he was deployed.
I am no longer as angry at God either. I realize that if I had been totally listening to God I would have known from the very beginning that it was bad idea to date Dane. That is one of the reasons why I am spending the next year not dating. I want to be more dependent on God, I want to live everyday listening for the voice of God that comes as a quiet whisper like it did for Elijah.
My joy for life is returning and is almost at full speed again. When you are part of a couple, you give a part of yourself to the other person. You hope that they will cherish it and that you will walk together through life growing together. When a break up occurs, you may get part of what you gave the other person back like your CDs or your house keys but more likely than not the part of your heart that you gave to them will not come back as whole. The post break up period is about accepting and figuring out who that new person is.
I may have lost the desperate to be loved girl that I was but I am finding the strong woman that I want to be.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Maybe I want the Impossible? Or Maybe not?
Since my breakup from Dane in September of 2011. I have been really sticking to a high list of criteria for dating. My friends are all concerned that I am wanting an impossible man.
If my list is impossible, what do I cut? That he is a Christian? That he accepts that I am bilingual and want to share that with our children? That he wants children? That he wants biological and adopted children? There are more but those are the ones that I have found it hardest to find.
All of those things are extremely dear to my heart. I choose to believe that God would not put such feelings in my heart if he didn't want me them for me.
Maybe I want a mythological man, but at least I am asking the Creator of the universe to help me on this journey.
If my list is impossible, what do I cut? That he is a Christian? That he accepts that I am bilingual and want to share that with our children? That he wants children? That he wants biological and adopted children? There are more but those are the ones that I have found it hardest to find.
All of those things are extremely dear to my heart. I choose to believe that God would not put such feelings in my heart if he didn't want me them for me.
Maybe I want a mythological man, but at least I am asking the Creator of the universe to help me on this journey.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Why am I not married?
One of the hardest things that I had to accept in giving up my active search for the perfect husband, is that I am ready to be married so why am I not married?
I have a few good who have said over the years that I will make a good wife or mother. Nice compliments. Especially when I really desire to be a wife and mother. However as of late they have felt more like daggers than flowers.
I battle with the thought "What if I have been independent so long that when my future husband comes along we clash because of it?" However the way life has played out to this point, I can't just sit around and let someone look after me because since I live on my own there isn't anyone who would do that.
When I ask my friend MK, "Why am I not married?" MK always says "Maybe God still has work to do on your future husband?" This may be very true. However part of the love myself challenge is realizing that there may be work left in me before God is ready for me to be married. It could also be that the last few years that I have been dating, I have been taking away more and more time away from my relationship with God to search for the perfect husband. So maybe God is wanting me to focus on him more because if I am not focused on God during my search how is my future husband going to realize what kind of a role God has in my life? Or the kind of role I want God to have in my married life?
While I definitely desire a Christian marriage I now realize why God maybe saying wait.
I have a few good who have said over the years that I will make a good wife or mother. Nice compliments. Especially when I really desire to be a wife and mother. However as of late they have felt more like daggers than flowers.
I battle with the thought "What if I have been independent so long that when my future husband comes along we clash because of it?" However the way life has played out to this point, I can't just sit around and let someone look after me because since I live on my own there isn't anyone who would do that.
When I ask my friend MK, "Why am I not married?" MK always says "Maybe God still has work to do on your future husband?" This may be very true. However part of the love myself challenge is realizing that there may be work left in me before God is ready for me to be married. It could also be that the last few years that I have been dating, I have been taking away more and more time away from my relationship with God to search for the perfect husband. So maybe God is wanting me to focus on him more because if I am not focused on God during my search how is my future husband going to realize what kind of a role God has in my life? Or the kind of role I want God to have in my married life?
While I definitely desire a Christian marriage I now realize why God maybe saying wait.
Today's Thankful List
Yesterday's thankful list didn't get posted. I have it written down but of course it is currently somewhere that I am not.
Here is Today's Thankful List:
1. I am thankful to have a job and especially so considering the unemployment rates.
2. I am thankful that we got rain. Yesterday it was over 90 degrees and today the projected high is 67. I love fall.
3. I am thankful that I am able and allowed to have such a daily presence in my niece and nephew's life. My nephew was singing ABCs and then half through decided that we needed to sing "Jesus" Which is the song "Jesus loves Me" It is extremely precious to see how important God already plays in my nephew's life.
What are you thankful for?
Here is Today's Thankful List:
1. I am thankful to have a job and especially so considering the unemployment rates.
2. I am thankful that we got rain. Yesterday it was over 90 degrees and today the projected high is 67. I love fall.
3. I am thankful that I am able and allowed to have such a daily presence in my niece and nephew's life. My nephew was singing ABCs and then half through decided that we needed to sing "Jesus" Which is the song "Jesus loves Me" It is extremely precious to see how important God already plays in my nephew's life.
What are you thankful for?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Succeeding at Failing
Ever have one of those days, where you just feel like a failure?
Lately, school has made me feel this way. I was supposed to have watched video for my literature class, but the link wouldn't load. I wrote a paper and thought at the lowest I would get a B on it, but when I was given it back today, it is a low C.
Once upon a time I enjoyed school, back when life was easier. Now its like walking on hot gravel.
However I am not going to give up.
Lately, school has made me feel this way. I was supposed to have watched video for my literature class, but the link wouldn't load. I wrote a paper and thought at the lowest I would get a B on it, but when I was given it back today, it is a low C.
Once upon a time I enjoyed school, back when life was easier. Now its like walking on hot gravel.
However I am not going to give up.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Why were they losers?
Disclaimer: The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
If you are single and you deeply want to be married, then you may understand parts of this post.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of marrying the one that God had chosen for me to marry. Due to the fact that most of the people in my family marry young and to avoid the temptation of premarital sex, I always assumed I would marry young as well. Now that I am past the point in my life in which I assumed I would at least be dating my future husband, I have come to accept that marrying as young as I thought I would is not God's plan for me.
Until 11 months ago, I was in the dating scene. I tried everything to meet the One. I did online dating, I went on blind dates, I went to my church's singles group, and every man I passed who appeared in the proper age group and didn't have a wedding band on was looked at as potential. I was obsessed and I kept picking out the wrong ones.
So what exactly was wrong with them? Why were they losers?
It has taken me most of the last 11 months to come to a serious answer to that question.
The simple answer is that they were not right because none of them was the one that God wants me to be with.
The complex answer is that there was something wrong and sometimes it was many of these problems.
1. We didn't share the same kind faith.
After years and years of being told that dating non-Christians is a bad idea. I learned that even if we are both Christians that wasn't always enough. When I dated Antonio, we were both Christians, however, Antonio didn't go to church, he didn't do devotions and we never once brought Jesus into the conversation. While dating him, my faith suffered. I didn't go to church as frequently and I thought less and less about the amazing things that Jesus had done for my life.
2. We didn't have the same expectations out of life.
When I dated Vicente, we had a similar faith, however, we didn't want the same things out of life. Vicente never wants to have children. I want children, both biological and adopted children.
3. There wasn't a spark.
When I dated Pedro, he seemed perfect on paper. We both knew where we were heading in life and what we expected from life. We both went to church and frequently discussed Jesus and what He meant to our lives. But there was still something missing. When we spent time together, it was like hanging out with a brother. Pedro is going to be a great husband to someone else some day.
These are just the answers that I have come to so far and there may have been more problems, but I wanted to share what I had learned so far.
If you are single and you deeply want to be married, then you may understand parts of this post.
When I was a little girl, I dreamed of marrying the one that God had chosen for me to marry. Due to the fact that most of the people in my family marry young and to avoid the temptation of premarital sex, I always assumed I would marry young as well. Now that I am past the point in my life in which I assumed I would at least be dating my future husband, I have come to accept that marrying as young as I thought I would is not God's plan for me.
Until 11 months ago, I was in the dating scene. I tried everything to meet the One. I did online dating, I went on blind dates, I went to my church's singles group, and every man I passed who appeared in the proper age group and didn't have a wedding band on was looked at as potential. I was obsessed and I kept picking out the wrong ones.
So what exactly was wrong with them? Why were they losers?
It has taken me most of the last 11 months to come to a serious answer to that question.
The simple answer is that they were not right because none of them was the one that God wants me to be with.
The complex answer is that there was something wrong and sometimes it was many of these problems.
1. We didn't share the same kind faith.
After years and years of being told that dating non-Christians is a bad idea. I learned that even if we are both Christians that wasn't always enough. When I dated Antonio, we were both Christians, however, Antonio didn't go to church, he didn't do devotions and we never once brought Jesus into the conversation. While dating him, my faith suffered. I didn't go to church as frequently and I thought less and less about the amazing things that Jesus had done for my life.
2. We didn't have the same expectations out of life.
When I dated Vicente, we had a similar faith, however, we didn't want the same things out of life. Vicente never wants to have children. I want children, both biological and adopted children.
3. There wasn't a spark.
When I dated Pedro, he seemed perfect on paper. We both knew where we were heading in life and what we expected from life. We both went to church and frequently discussed Jesus and what He meant to our lives. But there was still something missing. When we spent time together, it was like hanging out with a brother. Pedro is going to be a great husband to someone else some day.
These are just the answers that I have come to so far and there may have been more problems, but I wanted to share what I had learned so far.
Slow Progress is STILL Progress
I attempted to run outside tonight with Ozcar. That was a bad idea. It was still over 90 degrees when I left the house. It turned out to be more of a walk and towards the end I had to carry Ozcar.
However, I am going to make no progress on my running goals if I don't run and if I only run indoors I won't be as prepared for my outdoor races.
Due to the fact that I haven't ran since school started almost a month ago, my goal for this week wasn't distance or time it has been very simple. Run three times. That's it. Sometimes we have to start all over at the beginning with a goal and it can be frustrating. However it can be more discouraging in the long run if we set our goals too high and continuously fail. Setting my goal at running 26.2 miles in under 2.5 hours is too steep of a goal for a beginning runner. I may never run that fast or that far in one run.
Tonight was my second run of the week and its only Tuesday! Between the two runs I have completes 2.35 miles in 47 minutes. In 18 days, I would like to run 3.1 miles in 30 minutes or less. At this point, is it still an attainable goal? Maybe, I just have to add 0.75 miles in distance and shave 17 minutes. Ok, maybe its on the far edge of attainable. A more accessible goal would be running 3.1 miles in under 40 minutes. I would only have to shave off 7 minutes to achieve this goal.
Slow Progress is still progress. If I only do the race in 42 minutes, I am still shaving off time and I will have completed the race.
Throughout my challenge, running is going to play a keep role. One of my goals is that I am more comfortable with my body and because I am currently not I know that exercising maybe exactly what I need to improve what I don't like. Running also is giving me something to be proud of myself for. I hated running in high school. Now, I really enjoy running and when I cross that finish line it will be an example of a goal set and achieved. Which in a world full of procrastination is something to be proud of.
However, I am going to make no progress on my running goals if I don't run and if I only run indoors I won't be as prepared for my outdoor races.
Due to the fact that I haven't ran since school started almost a month ago, my goal for this week wasn't distance or time it has been very simple. Run three times. That's it. Sometimes we have to start all over at the beginning with a goal and it can be frustrating. However it can be more discouraging in the long run if we set our goals too high and continuously fail. Setting my goal at running 26.2 miles in under 2.5 hours is too steep of a goal for a beginning runner. I may never run that fast or that far in one run.
Tonight was my second run of the week and its only Tuesday! Between the two runs I have completes 2.35 miles in 47 minutes. In 18 days, I would like to run 3.1 miles in 30 minutes or less. At this point, is it still an attainable goal? Maybe, I just have to add 0.75 miles in distance and shave 17 minutes. Ok, maybe its on the far edge of attainable. A more accessible goal would be running 3.1 miles in under 40 minutes. I would only have to shave off 7 minutes to achieve this goal.
Slow Progress is still progress. If I only do the race in 42 minutes, I am still shaving off time and I will have completed the race.
Throughout my challenge, running is going to play a keep role. One of my goals is that I am more comfortable with my body and because I am currently not I know that exercising maybe exactly what I need to improve what I don't like. Running also is giving me something to be proud of myself for. I hated running in high school. Now, I really enjoy running and when I cross that finish line it will be an example of a goal set and achieved. Which in a world full of procrastination is something to be proud of.
September 11th's Thankful List
Here is my list of things that I am thankful for today:
1. I am thankful that I live in a country where I am granted the freedom of speech.
2. I am thankful that God has not given me the things that I so desire because at this place in my life, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
3. I am thankful that I have friends who are supportive of me during this journey.
1. I am thankful that I live in a country where I am granted the freedom of speech.
2. I am thankful that God has not given me the things that I so desire because at this place in my life, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
3. I am thankful that I have friends who are supportive of me during this journey.
Changing the Purpose of this Blog
When I began writing this blog, I was frustrated with the difficulties of my allergy free life. About that same time I realized that I was not living the set apart life for God that I so desire to have.
I began with goals for improving my life, all aspects of my life. I want to be content with everything that I am given. I have been writing a list of three things at least a day that I am grateful for. I was becoming extremely annoyed with God for what I thought I should have but which He was giving to others. It was making me bitter. God doesn't have to give me anything. Then I began to think about Job and I realized maybe God is trying to see how I will handle the challenges.
I also am aware that not only was I becoming bitter with God, I do not love or value myself like I should. If you know me, then you know that I have dated a string of guys who were lacking what was right to be with me and if I had valued myself more I may not have dated them at all or as long as I dated them. I want to love myself. I hope that if I truly love myself then I won't be in a relationship just because I want someone to love me.
In order to find the time to gain a deeper relationship with God and to love myself, I am giving up dating until my 24th birthday. That will be a total of 13.5 months which would be a really long time for me. Since I began dating in the 8th grade I have always had a boyfriend or at least gone out on a date with no longer than a 6 month gap in between. Except for this last year. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that I haven't gone on a date since October of 2011? By the time I reach my 24th birthday that will be 25.5 months of no dating. What!?! That seems like an extremely long time, especially since one of the things I want out of a life is a Christ-dependent marriage. In is definitely an antithesis to think that I want to be married but I am not even going to date.
Each month I have a big challenge and then a reward because I know that it will help to keep me on target and if I am treating myself I won't be as likely to start to date someone just because they are "spoiling me". Weekly, I will also pick one part of my body and try to find what I like about it and then for that week truly try to love that part.
Some of my goals are really hefty goals. For example, July's goal was to go to church weekly again and to read Lady in Waiting. I started this challenge with 15 days left in July. I managed to go back to church and partially read Lady in Waiting.
September's goal is to stay on top of my school work and to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. At the moment, with 18 days until my race I am fairly certain that It will be more likely that I can do it in under 40 minutes because I haven't been training. School has also been suffering because I was working more than I should have been and I had no time to study. I have cut back on my hours, so hopefully that will help.
So this is the new direction I am taking with this blog. Hopefully you will find encouragement from my journey.
I began with goals for improving my life, all aspects of my life. I want to be content with everything that I am given. I have been writing a list of three things at least a day that I am grateful for. I was becoming extremely annoyed with God for what I thought I should have but which He was giving to others. It was making me bitter. God doesn't have to give me anything. Then I began to think about Job and I realized maybe God is trying to see how I will handle the challenges.
I also am aware that not only was I becoming bitter with God, I do not love or value myself like I should. If you know me, then you know that I have dated a string of guys who were lacking what was right to be with me and if I had valued myself more I may not have dated them at all or as long as I dated them. I want to love myself. I hope that if I truly love myself then I won't be in a relationship just because I want someone to love me.
In order to find the time to gain a deeper relationship with God and to love myself, I am giving up dating until my 24th birthday. That will be a total of 13.5 months which would be a really long time for me. Since I began dating in the 8th grade I have always had a boyfriend or at least gone out on a date with no longer than a 6 month gap in between. Except for this last year. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that I haven't gone on a date since October of 2011? By the time I reach my 24th birthday that will be 25.5 months of no dating. What!?! That seems like an extremely long time, especially since one of the things I want out of a life is a Christ-dependent marriage. In is definitely an antithesis to think that I want to be married but I am not even going to date.
Each month I have a big challenge and then a reward because I know that it will help to keep me on target and if I am treating myself I won't be as likely to start to date someone just because they are "spoiling me". Weekly, I will also pick one part of my body and try to find what I like about it and then for that week truly try to love that part.
Some of my goals are really hefty goals. For example, July's goal was to go to church weekly again and to read Lady in Waiting. I started this challenge with 15 days left in July. I managed to go back to church and partially read Lady in Waiting.
September's goal is to stay on top of my school work and to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. At the moment, with 18 days until my race I am fairly certain that It will be more likely that I can do it in under 40 minutes because I haven't been training. School has also been suffering because I was working more than I should have been and I had no time to study. I have cut back on my hours, so hopefully that will help.
So this is the new direction I am taking with this blog. Hopefully you will find encouragement from my journey.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Stuffed Bell Pepppers... A flop
When I was a kid my mom would make stuffed green bell peppers. The stuffing was made from a box of Spanish rice and hamburger. I can no longer eat the Spanish rice. But I attempted to make some this week and it just didn't turn out the same. I don't have pictures. I tried to use a little bit of cayenne pepper, ancho chili pepper and a few jalapenos to give it spice. It definitely needed more umpfh. I should probably go read a few different boxes to see what kind of spices they have in them, however, it was an attempt at making something that I miss.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Weekly Goals: Last week's progress and this week's goals
I accomplished some of the things on my list, not bad for the first week.
Last week's Goals:
Family/Friendship Goals:
Work Goals:
Education and Financial Goals:
6. Call and make an appointment with Career Services because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life after college.7. Look into AAA, so that I am not stranded when my older car breaks down. [I looked at if for about 5 minutes, I need to really look into it.]
Health and Fitness Goals:
8.
Cooking Goals:
10. Make 1 freezer meal. [This just didn't happen. Though I do have 2-3 I plan to make this week.]This Week's Goals:
Family/Friendship Goals:
2. Possibly do lunch with my friend B and her children on Friday at Chick-Fil-A's for the free food if you dress up like a cow.
Business Goals:
3. Work my currently scheduled shifts and accept any extra shifts I can. I am currently scheduled for 4 shifts.
4. Work for my parents Tuesday night and possibly Saturday.
Education and Financial Goals:
5. Call and make an appointment with Career Services because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life after college.6. Look into AAA, so that I am not stranded when my older car breaks down. I recently got something from the car repair shop that said something about roadside assistance so I think I will look into that as well.
Health and Fitness Goals:
7. Relax and rest after procedure on Wednesday,9. Run/Walk a total of 3 miles.
Cooking Goals:
10. Make 1-3 over-sized meals: Mexican rice, sausage & rice casserole, and paprika chicken stir-fry (which is totally a new experiment).
It Really Does Get Better
Though I started this blog, to share the recipes that I am tweaking. I also would like to use this blog to share the life lessons I have learned.
As a teenager, I had a difficult time finding my place in the world. I struggled with the loss of dear friendships, a strained relationship with siblings, a tense relationship with my parents, and an overwhelming confusion about my identity.
While complaining one day that "it was never going to get better." A wise friend informed me that it would get better and that I just had to be patient. When I started college and things were still difficult, I went back to that friend and accusingly said "It still isn't better." Somethings were actually worse. She again replied that I had to be patient and that things would improve.
In the four years since I graduated from High School, I have learned that things really do get better. Situations in life resemble a rollercoaster in many aspects not only the steep inclines but also the times when things are steady. I have experienced many ups and downs. In my down moments I now know the track of life will once again have a positive moment. In my moments of despair, I have learned some coping tools:
1. Prayer
By first praying to God, it has helped to give me peace. I am really concerned with my upcoming biopsy. But every time I begin to worry I remind myself that I am not alone. When all of this first start in April of 2011, I wasn't well informed and I was terrified. As I was begging God to be alright, the words "Up from the grave he Arose" popped into my head and my tears stopped. I immediately brought the song up on my computer and sang it over and over again. If God can conquer death, surely he can conquer whatever problems are present in my life, right?
2. Praise God
To some this may seem odd. That I would praise God in my moments of despair. In James 1:2-4 the Bible talks about finding joy in our trials. Though I may not always understand why I am going through hard times I am becoming quicker to the realization that God has a reason for testing me. If Job can lose everything and still praise God, shouldn't I also be able to praise God in my dark places? (Not that any of my losses have ever been as great as Job's but how he handled his losses are a great example of how to handle our own losses.)
One of my favorite songs to sing is "Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns in moments when I need to remind myself that ultimately God is in control.
3. Encouraging myself.
This is where I think of all of the things that have gotten better in the last few years and I remind myself that if things that seemed hopeless have improved then surely whatever situation I am in will get better as well.
As a teenager, I had a difficult time finding my place in the world. I struggled with the loss of dear friendships, a strained relationship with siblings, a tense relationship with my parents, and an overwhelming confusion about my identity.
While complaining one day that "it was never going to get better." A wise friend informed me that it would get better and that I just had to be patient. When I started college and things were still difficult, I went back to that friend and accusingly said "It still isn't better." Somethings were actually worse. She again replied that I had to be patient and that things would improve.
In the four years since I graduated from High School, I have learned that things really do get better. Situations in life resemble a rollercoaster in many aspects not only the steep inclines but also the times when things are steady. I have experienced many ups and downs. In my down moments I now know the track of life will once again have a positive moment. In my moments of despair, I have learned some coping tools:
1. Prayer
By first praying to God, it has helped to give me peace. I am really concerned with my upcoming biopsy. But every time I begin to worry I remind myself that I am not alone. When all of this first start in April of 2011, I wasn't well informed and I was terrified. As I was begging God to be alright, the words "Up from the grave he Arose" popped into my head and my tears stopped. I immediately brought the song up on my computer and sang it over and over again. If God can conquer death, surely he can conquer whatever problems are present in my life, right?
2. Praise God
To some this may seem odd. That I would praise God in my moments of despair. In James 1:2-4 the Bible talks about finding joy in our trials. Though I may not always understand why I am going through hard times I am becoming quicker to the realization that God has a reason for testing me. If Job can lose everything and still praise God, shouldn't I also be able to praise God in my dark places? (Not that any of my losses have ever been as great as Job's but how he handled his losses are a great example of how to handle our own losses.)
One of my favorite songs to sing is "Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns in moments when I need to remind myself that ultimately God is in control.
3. Encouraging myself.
This is where I think of all of the things that have gotten better in the last few years and I remind myself that if things that seemed hopeless have improved then surely whatever situation I am in will get better as well.
Thankful for what I have
As I was reading one of my favorite blogs, I clicked on a link to a blog written by a woman who lives in a 8 by 32 trailer with her husband and toddler. I have been feeling very sad lately that my kitchen is so small and it makes cooking a challenge. But after reading her blog, I was reminded of how much space I have. It may not be my dream kitchen but at least my stove is a standard size stove and room for a dining room table that I can use as a counter top.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Holiday Get Togethers
Last night, to celebrate Independence day I went to a pot luck dinner with my extended family. The table was loaded with pasta salads, cole slaw, zucchini casserole, dips and chips, and baked beans. There was so much food and it all looked and smelled good, however, it reminded me of what I miss. This has inspired me even more to work on recipes that resemble foods I can no longer eat without getting sick.
Now, the question I am asking myself is where to start?
Now, the question I am asking myself is where to start?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Weekly Goals: What I hope to Accomplish this week 7/2-7/8
This is my first post about weekly goals therefore I have do not have any goals to say whether I have accomplished them or not. But next week I will update on my progress
2. Spend Wednesday evening celebrating Independence day at my grandparent's house.
Work Goals:
3. Work my currently scheduled shifts and accept any extra shifts I can. I am currently scheduled for 4 shifts.
4. Make sure that my schedule has the shift change for my medical procedure next week.
5. Work for my parents.
7. Look into AAA, so that I am not stranded when my older car breaks down.
9. Eat at least one fresh fruit or vegetable.
Hopefully, I am successful in my first week.
Family/Friendship Goals:
1. Spend Wednesday helping my sister with her little ones.2. Spend Wednesday evening celebrating Independence day at my grandparent's house.
Work Goals:
3. Work my currently scheduled shifts and accept any extra shifts I can. I am currently scheduled for 4 shifts.
4. Make sure that my schedule has the shift change for my medical procedure next week.
5. Work for my parents.
Education and Financial Goals:
6. Call and make an appointment with Career Services because I have no idea what I am going to do with my life after college.7. Look into AAA, so that I am not stranded when my older car breaks down.
Health and Fitness Goals:
8. Run/walk a total of 10 miles.9. Eat at least one fresh fruit or vegetable.
Cooking Goals:
10. Make 1 freezer meal.Hopefully, I am successful in my first week.
Joining the Blog World & My journey to this point
I have finally discovered something worth writing a blog over. My garlic- and onion-free adventures. Last year, I was sick all the time. When I talked to my cousin who has suffered from a garlic and onion allergy for years she suggested that because allergies usually run in families that I may be suffering from it as well. She encouraged me to go a week without any product that has garlic or onions in it. At the time I lived off of pre-made foods, frozen dinners, and junk food. Since garlic and onions are not as common of an allergy as dairy products or peanuts, companies can get away with hiding them under the word SPICES. If my cousin had not helped me sort through my pantry I would have continued to unknowingly have eaten onions and garlic and this test would have been proven useless.
After a week, I felt amazing! No more feeling sick as soon as I had eaten. No more burning my lips on pickles (my grandmother's homemade pickles are drowning in garlic). No more walking around bent over because my stomach hurt. Ten days into my garlic & onion free life I ate stir-fry and boy was that a mistake. I thought maybe I had just had a stomach bug that lasted a really, really long time and that was why my sudden diet change has solved everything. After enjoying the stir-fry smothered in teriyaki sauce, I was sick. That was the sign I needed that it wasn't just a virus. I was low tolerance to onions and garlic like my little brother and my cousin. I am also low tolerance to cow's milk.
The last year has been a major adjustment. For the most part, I have become better at not eating things I that make me sick. There are many things I miss though, like ketchup, BBQ sauce, salad dressing, potato chips that aren't plain, and salsa are just a few. So I will be attempting to make alternatives and show you the progress as I go.
This blog will also include freebies that I have found, a weekly goals list, my cooking adventures, menu, general thoughts on life and my running/fitness updates.
After a week, I felt amazing! No more feeling sick as soon as I had eaten. No more burning my lips on pickles (my grandmother's homemade pickles are drowning in garlic). No more walking around bent over because my stomach hurt. Ten days into my garlic & onion free life I ate stir-fry and boy was that a mistake. I thought maybe I had just had a stomach bug that lasted a really, really long time and that was why my sudden diet change has solved everything. After enjoying the stir-fry smothered in teriyaki sauce, I was sick. That was the sign I needed that it wasn't just a virus. I was low tolerance to onions and garlic like my little brother and my cousin. I am also low tolerance to cow's milk.
The last year has been a major adjustment. For the most part, I have become better at not eating things I that make me sick. There are many things I miss though, like ketchup, BBQ sauce, salad dressing, potato chips that aren't plain, and salsa are just a few. So I will be attempting to make alternatives and show you the progress as I go.
This blog will also include freebies that I have found, a weekly goals list, my cooking adventures, menu, general thoughts on life and my running/fitness updates.
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