Guess who ran a 5k race?

If you have known me since childhood then you know that I hated running. My freshman year of high school for the timed run I walked most of it.

Then something happened, I found the value in running. Armed with the proper shoes and leggings the things that I hated about running before disappeared. There are still things that I wish didn't happen like my right foot occasionally drags, which almost tripped me this morning. But who wouldn't have balance issues with a misshapen foot?

A year ago when I seriously began running I said I would do a 5k and race after race came and went and I never did one. I set this goal to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do the things that scare me. I am not comfortable in large groups of athletic people. Nor am I comfortable attending events alone when everyone else has a friend or partner. However I can do it. I proved that today by standing at the starting line as more and more people filed over, part of me wanted to panic and go to the end. Part of me wanted to cry because I was alone. As I was running I realized I wasn't the only person with out a running partner. Sure the woman in the pink striped top that I followed for a mile, had someone waiting at the finish line but throughout the race there was no one beside her. There was just me a yard behind her, trying to keep up.

As I reflect upon today's race, I realize how very much it is like life. Everyone goes at there own pace. Sometimes they have people who are close to them, who encourage them and work with them through the daily stuff. Sometimes they are alone, but not truly alone. There are people who barely enter our lives but assist us in small but meaningful ways. When I came upon the first water station today I didn't realize how much I truly needed it until the water was unsuccessfully sliding down my throat (I ended up spilling most of the first cup down my front, it's pretty difficult to run and drink at the same time). Or at the end of the race as I ran past a group of teenage girls cheering us on. Those people barely touched my life but they had an impact.

I wonder if we are ever fully aware of who all we are touching with our lives even if it just through the ripples that we cause?

Have I really made progress?

Last week, I made some big decisions in regards to my schooling. I am taking a break to focus on some other things and part of wonders if I have even made any progress in the last year? Last year I made a similar decision and school was placed on hold i made grand plans to resolve the issues and then the time flew by and I couldn't do it. I didn't do the work, so what makes me think that I can do the work this time?

I have to give myself credit though I was suffering from a broken heart after Dane left. I had to erase plans we had made, plans he probably wouldn't even remember making. I am aware now that I am the kind of person that if you give my 1 mm of hope I will turn it into 10 cm. Maybe I should say that differently. I am the kind of person who only needs 1 mm of hope when most people would need 10 cm.

I am feeling disappointed in myself because I didn't do the work last time and I wasn't aware of how much that has hurt me until now. However I have made progress already I have made appointments. I have done some research. This time I also have someone who I didn't have last time. I have an accountability partner who is really good at keeping me motivated. Who helps me celebrate even the smallest progress. What someone else who see as nothing she sees it as I see it as something worthy of a small happy dance.

Emotional work and self discovery are similar to my car. My car breaks down and because I frequently travel the same roads it is not a bazaar event if my car were to break down on the same road or even in the same spot. Well emotionally I have broken down in the same spot that I was last year. Though I am in the same spot it is not the same problem and that is what makes all the difference. 

Relinquishing his stuff...

Who was it that decided that the best course of action for a person who has just had their heart broken is the getting rid of stuff? Why do I have to purge my life of an orange vase, a sweatshirt and cards? Even more importantly who came up with such an accelerated time line? Someone recently scolded me because I still have things that Dane gave me.

Part of me wants to hold onto these things to remember the good times. As proof that they really did happen and I didn't imagine it. Part of me wants to hold onto the things as proof that I am desirable. I am not the bookish freak that I sometimes fear that I am.

But what if the events in which those things were given were really so small and because I was so desperate to be loved I blew things out of proportion?

How is someone supposed to know what the difference between love and lust? Why is it our automatic answer that if he didn't want to be with me forever then what he must have felt is lust not love?

Why is it that after thousands of years, no one has this figured out just yet?

Tonight I am left with more questions than answers.

Learning What I can and Can't do

~Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can.~ John Wooden

I cannot get married... because I do not have a someone willing to be my husband yet.
                                                                 But I can be a good friend.

I cannot be a mother... because I am not a wife.
                                                               But I can be a good Aunt.

I cannot go on to be a P.A. ... because I cannot pass the per-requisites.
                                                                But I can

I cannot run at Olympic qualifying speed... because I am just not that fast.
                                                                      But I can run at my pace and earn money for good causes.
                                                                      But I can run and be healthy because of it.

I saw the above quote on a friend's facebook page and thought, 'Exactly, that is what I am trying to accept, what I can and cannot do.' So I have given a few examples.

I know that I haven't been posting my thankful lists.

1. I am thankful for naptime.

2. I am thankful for a loving and encouraging family.

3. I am thankful that unopened macaroni cups are just as entertaining as rattles.

Losing and Finding Myself

After a break up most people I know make a change in their lives. They move because there are too many memories of the person in the old apartment. They get a tattoo or a piercing. They go on drinking binges. They get a new hair color and cut.

Last September, I didn't want to be Jenn any longer. I thought maybe I was attracting the wrong guys because I was blond and they assumed that I was something that I am not. So my amazing friend CD, colored my hair. It was brown and I loved it and I continued to love it for about 6 months. Then I realized I didn't like brunette Jenn. When I changed my hair color, I had changed one of the things that I loved most about myself. One of the things that made me feel connected to my family.

I had been attempting to distance myself from Dane, but the only people I managed to feel distanced from were my family members and myself.

I feel as if I lived those first 6 months in a pain induced haze. I was there, but I really wasn't there. There were a few moments of happiness, but at the end of the day my distress swallowed me whole. I have spent so much time trying to figure out how someone who had purchased a ring and had wanted to marry me, changed his mind and magically no longer loved me. Was his love like a light switch? Was it really that easy for him to turn off and on?

I analyzed and reanalyzed every moment I spent with him. Trying to learn my mistakes. While I was searching for answers that never came. I became lost. I became the sad heartbroken person, who lost her joy for life.  I became so angry at God, that my nightly crying ritual that began with missing Dane turned into me yelling at God. I begged for God to take away the pain that sat on my heart, but the following day it was still there. I didn't realize at the time that it was slowly getting smaller and smaller because the stone was so large to begin with.

I no longer miss Dane. I am still confused. Sometimes I daydream about asking him ,"Why?" I think his only answer is that he came back really messed up from the war. I want to ask him if he ever really loved me or if he only loved that I had been waiting for him while he was deployed.

I am no longer as angry at God either. I realize that if I had been totally listening to God I would have known from the very beginning that it was bad idea to date Dane. That is one of the reasons why I am spending the next year not dating. I want to be more dependent on God, I want to live everyday listening for the voice of God that comes as a quiet whisper like it did for Elijah.

My joy for life is returning and is almost at full speed again. When you are part of a couple, you give a part of yourself to the other person. You hope that they will cherish it and that you will walk together through life growing together. When a break up occurs,  you may get part of what you gave the other person back like your CDs or your house keys but more likely than not the part of your heart that you gave to them will not come back as whole.  The post break up period is about accepting and figuring out who that new person is.

I may have lost the desperate to be loved girl that I was but I am finding the strong woman that I want to be.

Maybe I want the Impossible? Or Maybe not?

Since my breakup from Dane in September of 2011. I have been really sticking to a high list of criteria for dating. My friends are all concerned that I am wanting an impossible man.
If my list is impossible, what do I cut? That he is a Christian? That he accepts that I am bilingual and want to share that with our children? That he wants children? That he wants biological and adopted children? There are more but those are the ones that I have found it hardest to find.
All of those things are extremely dear to my heart. I choose to believe that God would not put such feelings in my heart if he didn't want me them for me.
Maybe I want a mythological man, but at least I am asking the Creator of the universe to help me on this journey.

Why am I not married?

One of the hardest things that I had to accept in giving up my active search for the perfect husband, is that I am ready to be married so why am I not married?

I have a few good who have said over the years that I will make a good wife or mother. Nice compliments. Especially when I really desire to be a wife and mother. However as of late they have felt more like daggers than flowers.

I battle with the thought "What if I have been independent so long that when my future husband comes along we clash because of it?" However the way life has played out to this point, I can't just sit around and let someone look after me because since I live on my own there isn't anyone who would do that.

When I ask my friend MK, "Why am I not married?" MK always says "Maybe God still has work to do on your future husband?" This may be very true. However part of the love myself challenge is realizing that there may be work left in me before God is ready for me to be married. It could also be that the last few years that I have been dating, I have been taking away more and more time away from my relationship with God to search for the perfect husband. So maybe God is wanting me to focus on him more because if I am not focused on God during my search how is my future husband going to realize what kind of a role God has in my life? Or the kind of role I want God to have in my married life?

While I definitely desire a Christian marriage I now realize why God maybe saying wait.

Today's Thankful List

Yesterday's thankful list didn't get posted. I have it written down but of course it is currently somewhere that I am not.

Here is Today's Thankful List:

1. I am thankful to have a job and especially so considering the unemployment rates.

2. I am thankful that we got rain. Yesterday it was over 90 degrees and today the projected high is 67. I love fall.

3. I am thankful that I am able and allowed to have such a daily presence in my niece and nephew's life. My nephew was singing ABCs and then half through decided that we needed to sing "Jesus" Which is the song "Jesus loves Me" It is extremely precious to see how important God already plays in my nephew's life.

What are you thankful for?

Succeeding at Failing

Ever have one of those days, where you just feel like a failure?
Lately, school has made me feel this way. I was supposed to have watched  video for my literature class, but the link wouldn't load. I wrote a paper and thought at the lowest I would get a B on it, but when I was given it back today, it is a low C.
Once upon a time I enjoyed school, back when life was easier. Now its like walking on hot gravel.
However I am not going to give up.

Why were they losers?

Disclaimer: The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

If you are single and you deeply want to be married, then you may understand parts of this post.
When I was a little girl,  I dreamed of marrying the one that God had chosen for me to marry. Due to the fact that most of the people in my family marry young and to avoid the temptation of premarital sex, I always assumed I would marry young as well. Now that I am past the point in my life in which I assumed I would at least be dating my future husband, I have come to accept that marrying as young as I thought I would is not God's plan for me.

Until 11 months ago, I was in the dating scene. I tried everything to meet the One. I did online dating, I went on blind dates, I went to my church's singles group, and every man I passed who appeared in the proper age group and didn't have a wedding band on was looked at as potential. I was obsessed and I kept picking out the wrong ones.

So what exactly was wrong with them? Why were they losers?

It has taken me most of the last 11 months to come to a serious answer to that question.

The simple answer is that they were not right because none of them was the one that God wants me to be with.

The complex answer is that there was something wrong and sometimes it was many of these problems.

1. We didn't share the same kind faith.
After years and years of being told that dating non-Christians is a bad idea. I learned that even if we are both Christians that wasn't always enough. When I dated Antonio, we were both Christians, however, Antonio didn't go to church, he didn't do devotions and we never once brought Jesus into the conversation. While dating him, my faith suffered. I didn't go to church as frequently and I thought less and less about the amazing things that Jesus had done for my life.

2. We didn't have the same expectations out of life.
When I dated Vicente, we had a similar faith, however, we didn't want the same things out of life. Vicente never wants to have children. I want children, both biological and adopted children.

3. There wasn't a spark.
When I dated Pedro, he seemed perfect on paper. We both knew where we were heading in life and what we expected from life. We both went to church and frequently discussed Jesus and what He meant to our lives. But there was still something missing. When we spent time together, it was like hanging out with a brother. Pedro is going to be a great husband to someone else some day.

These are just the answers that I have come to so far and there may have been more problems, but I wanted to share what I had learned so far.

Slow Progress is STILL Progress

I attempted to run outside tonight with Ozcar. That was a bad idea. It was still over 90 degrees when I left the house. It turned out to be more of a walk and towards the end I had to carry Ozcar.

However, I am going to make no progress on my running goals if I don't run and if I only run indoors I won't be as prepared for my outdoor races.

Due to the fact that I haven't ran since school started almost a month ago, my goal for this week wasn't distance or time it has been very simple. Run three times. That's it. Sometimes we have to start all over at the beginning with a goal and it can be frustrating. However it can be more discouraging in the long run if we set our goals too high and continuously fail. Setting my goal at running 26.2 miles in under 2.5 hours is too steep of a goal for a beginning runner. I may never run that fast or that far in one run.

Tonight was my second run of the week and its only Tuesday! Between the two runs I have completes 2.35 miles in 47 minutes. In 18 days, I would like to run 3.1 miles in 30 minutes or less. At this point, is it still an attainable goal? Maybe, I just have to add 0.75 miles in distance and shave 17 minutes. Ok, maybe its on the far edge of attainable. A more accessible goal would be running 3.1 miles in under 40 minutes. I would only have to shave off 7 minutes to achieve this goal.

Slow Progress is still progress. If I only do the race in 42 minutes, I am still shaving off time and I will have completed the race.

Throughout my challenge, running is going to play a keep role. One of my goals is that I am more comfortable with my body and because I am currently not I know that exercising maybe exactly what I need to improve what I don't like. Running also is giving me something to be proud of myself for. I hated running in high school. Now, I really enjoy running and when I cross that finish line it will be an example of a goal set and achieved. Which in a world full of procrastination is something to be proud of.

September 11th's Thankful List

Here is my list of things that I am thankful for today:

1. I am thankful that I live in a country where I am granted the freedom of speech.

2. I am thankful that God has not given me the things that I so desire because at this place in my life, I wouldn't be able to handle it.

3. I am thankful that I have friends who are supportive of me during this journey.

Changing the Purpose of this Blog

When I began writing this blog, I was frustrated with the difficulties of my allergy free life. About that same time I realized that I was not living the set apart life for God that I so desire to have.
I began with goals for improving my life, all aspects of my life. I want to be content with everything that I am given. I have been writing a list of three things at least a day that I am grateful for. I was becoming extremely annoyed with God for what I thought I should have but which He was giving to others. It was making me bitter. God doesn't have to give me anything. Then I began to think about Job and I realized maybe God is trying to see how I will handle the challenges.
I also am aware that not only was I becoming bitter with God, I do not love or value myself like I should. If you know me, then you know that I have dated a string of guys who were lacking what was right to be with me and if I had valued myself more I may not have dated them at all or as long as I dated them. I want to love myself. I hope that if I truly love myself then I won't be in a relationship just because I want someone to love me.
In order to find the time to gain a deeper relationship with God and to love myself, I am giving up dating until my 24th birthday. That will be a total of 13.5 months which would be a really long time for me. Since I began dating in the 8th grade I have always had a boyfriend or at least gone out on a date with no longer than a 6 month gap in between. Except for this last year. Oh wait, did I forget to mention that I haven't gone on a date since October of 2011? By the time I reach my 24th birthday that will be 25.5 months of no dating. What!?! That seems like an extremely long time, especially since one of the things I want out of a life is a Christ-dependent marriage. In is definitely an antithesis to think that I want to be married but I am not even going to date.
Each month I have a big challenge and then a reward because I know that it will help to keep me on target and if I am treating myself I won't be as likely to start to date someone just because they are "spoiling me". Weekly, I will also pick one part of my body and try to find what I like about it and then for that week truly try to love that part.
Some of my goals are really hefty goals. For example, July's goal was to go to church weekly again and to read Lady in Waiting. I started this challenge with 15 days left in July. I managed to go back to church and partially read Lady in Waiting.
September's goal is to stay on top of my school work and to run a 5k in under 30 minutes. At the moment, with 18 days until my race I am fairly certain that It will be more likely that I can do it in under 40 minutes because I haven't been training. School has also been suffering because I was working more than I should have been and I had no time to study. I have cut back on my hours, so hopefully that will help.
So this is the new direction I am taking with this blog. Hopefully you will find encouragement from my journey.