Insignificant...

Lately, I have been struggling again with feeling like surplus. There are billions of people on the planet and millions of Christians. I am called to be a light in the world, however, I feel like excess. I have wondered if maybe God made a mistake. The things that make me unique are present in others (compassion and loyalty).

Something changed last night, I was thinking about flowers. If we liken the word flower to child of God, there is a symbolance. God didn't stop with just making a rose or a lilly (the variations can be compared to our traits like compassion and loyalty). God also made types of flowers just like there are many different people.

I trying to old onto this new way of thinking. Revising my way of thinking isn't easy however, I hope that it continues to grow my relationship with God.

Letting Go of a Little more

This weekend I changed cell phone carrier so in order to keep contacts I have to enter it into the new phone.

I have purposefully decided not to add Dane's number into the new phone. Severing one of the last ties I have to him. It is a bittersweet moment and one I am not fully sure that I want to make happen. What if we do want that elusive friendship that everyone always claims that they will have? That just spurs a valid question: Why would I want to be friends with someone who has so unrepentantly hurt me?

Aside from the cheeky response that everyone subconsciously craves some kind of pain. The honest answer is that I wouldn't want that friendship. One of the things that I have been working to accept is that the friendship side of our relationship was almost nonexistent. It is nearly impossible to rekindle a friendship that never truly existed to begin with .

Which only justifies that I need to let go of his number. If only letting go was as easy as it sounds.

Unexpected Blessings

I had always expected that I would be in medical school by this point. That I would be in a loving committed relationship and that we'd be discussing marriage.

I am a planner. I feel safer with a game plan than with spontaneity.

Tonight as my niece cried for me as I left the table despite Nana and Aunt Mary's presence, an epiphany hit me with full force. Maybe the unknowns are better than our expectations. I never expected to have the role in my niece and nephew's lives that I hold. However I am blessed by these opportunities.

I will probably never be comfortable with a life devoid of plans. However I am hoping that I can give those plans back to God and I can rely upon Him.

Maybe God doesn't tell us the game plan because it is so full of oddities that we would be unable to comprehend or accept it. For example trying to explain to a cave man what an airplane or space ship is.

I understand that I may not be able to know all of the details of the game plan, but I really struggle with not even knowing if I am on the path that God wants for my life.

Eating Out..

My birthday was last Thursday. My parents are taking me out this evening to celebrate. My dad sent me a some what frantic text, "Where do you want to eat?" It was the 3rd or 4th time he had asked me.

This is where having an onion and garlic allergy and loving food that generally is made with those items causes me large problems. As I was trying to reply, he called me. As he asked once again where I wanted to eat, I wanted to cry. Where I wanted to eat I knew that I would end up ordering food that would only cause me pain.

I want the Pesto Portabello from Avivo (which has garlic in it). I want the French Onion Soup from Imbiss Grille (which is a really bad idea and the restaurant no longer even exists). I want the Chicken Picata or Eggplant Parmesan from Sweet Basil. I want fajitas. I want real BBQ sauce. I want the Mongolian Beef from the Magic Wok. I want salsa (that doesn't taste sweet) and chips. I want ravioli. I want real pizza. I want Salad Dressing. I want ketchup. I want to be able to eat anything that is on a buffet and not have to ask everyone what and how they made their contributions. I want to ignore labels. I want to be able to go out to a restaurant with friends and not have to give such specific directions and ask so many questions that I am the problem customer. I want Sour Cream and Chives Potato Chips.

I do not want to have sores in my mouth. I do not want an upset stomach. I do not want to vomit or have other digestion problems. I do not want hives or to nearly scratch off my skin when I am too close to lilies. I do not want to fear that when an ingredient label says "spices" it generally includes onions.

I was expressing my frustration to my cousin who also has these allergies. When I asked her to say that it is ok to splurge because its my birthday. She asked me, "Do you want to end up in the hospital?" I then realized how lucky I am. I am not yet to the place where splurging lands me in the hospital. I occasionally splurge, like the chicken pesto cavatappi that I had from noodles 2 weeks ago and I paid for it with an upset stomach and a headache.

This ultimately comes down to what I willing to live with: Safe food and no pain? Or foods that I miss and have problems?

I decided to go to HuHot tomorrow. I will use the sesame oil and soy sauce. Which I have found that I really love. It takes a lot more effort to eat out than it once did, however I am trying to live a normal life.

Guess who ran a 5k race?

If you have known me since childhood then you know that I hated running. My freshman year of high school for the timed run I walked most of it.

Then something happened, I found the value in running. Armed with the proper shoes and leggings the things that I hated about running before disappeared. There are still things that I wish didn't happen like my right foot occasionally drags, which almost tripped me this morning. But who wouldn't have balance issues with a misshapen foot?

A year ago when I seriously began running I said I would do a 5k and race after race came and went and I never did one. I set this goal to prove to myself that I am strong enough to do the things that scare me. I am not comfortable in large groups of athletic people. Nor am I comfortable attending events alone when everyone else has a friend or partner. However I can do it. I proved that today by standing at the starting line as more and more people filed over, part of me wanted to panic and go to the end. Part of me wanted to cry because I was alone. As I was running I realized I wasn't the only person with out a running partner. Sure the woman in the pink striped top that I followed for a mile, had someone waiting at the finish line but throughout the race there was no one beside her. There was just me a yard behind her, trying to keep up.

As I reflect upon today's race, I realize how very much it is like life. Everyone goes at there own pace. Sometimes they have people who are close to them, who encourage them and work with them through the daily stuff. Sometimes they are alone, but not truly alone. There are people who barely enter our lives but assist us in small but meaningful ways. When I came upon the first water station today I didn't realize how much I truly needed it until the water was unsuccessfully sliding down my throat (I ended up spilling most of the first cup down my front, it's pretty difficult to run and drink at the same time). Or at the end of the race as I ran past a group of teenage girls cheering us on. Those people barely touched my life but they had an impact.

I wonder if we are ever fully aware of who all we are touching with our lives even if it just through the ripples that we cause?

Have I really made progress?

Last week, I made some big decisions in regards to my schooling. I am taking a break to focus on some other things and part of wonders if I have even made any progress in the last year? Last year I made a similar decision and school was placed on hold i made grand plans to resolve the issues and then the time flew by and I couldn't do it. I didn't do the work, so what makes me think that I can do the work this time?

I have to give myself credit though I was suffering from a broken heart after Dane left. I had to erase plans we had made, plans he probably wouldn't even remember making. I am aware now that I am the kind of person that if you give my 1 mm of hope I will turn it into 10 cm. Maybe I should say that differently. I am the kind of person who only needs 1 mm of hope when most people would need 10 cm.

I am feeling disappointed in myself because I didn't do the work last time and I wasn't aware of how much that has hurt me until now. However I have made progress already I have made appointments. I have done some research. This time I also have someone who I didn't have last time. I have an accountability partner who is really good at keeping me motivated. Who helps me celebrate even the smallest progress. What someone else who see as nothing she sees it as I see it as something worthy of a small happy dance.

Emotional work and self discovery are similar to my car. My car breaks down and because I frequently travel the same roads it is not a bazaar event if my car were to break down on the same road or even in the same spot. Well emotionally I have broken down in the same spot that I was last year. Though I am in the same spot it is not the same problem and that is what makes all the difference. 

Relinquishing his stuff...

Who was it that decided that the best course of action for a person who has just had their heart broken is the getting rid of stuff? Why do I have to purge my life of an orange vase, a sweatshirt and cards? Even more importantly who came up with such an accelerated time line? Someone recently scolded me because I still have things that Dane gave me.

Part of me wants to hold onto these things to remember the good times. As proof that they really did happen and I didn't imagine it. Part of me wants to hold onto the things as proof that I am desirable. I am not the bookish freak that I sometimes fear that I am.

But what if the events in which those things were given were really so small and because I was so desperate to be loved I blew things out of proportion?

How is someone supposed to know what the difference between love and lust? Why is it our automatic answer that if he didn't want to be with me forever then what he must have felt is lust not love?

Why is it that after thousands of years, no one has this figured out just yet?

Tonight I am left with more questions than answers.