Insignificant...

Lately, I have been struggling again with feeling like surplus. There are billions of people on the planet and millions of Christians. I am called to be a light in the world, however, I feel like excess. I have wondered if maybe God made a mistake. The things that make me unique are present in others (compassion and loyalty).

Something changed last night, I was thinking about flowers. If we liken the word flower to child of God, there is a symbolance. God didn't stop with just making a rose or a lilly (the variations can be compared to our traits like compassion and loyalty). God also made types of flowers just like there are many different people.

I trying to old onto this new way of thinking. Revising my way of thinking isn't easy however, I hope that it continues to grow my relationship with God.

Letting Go of a Little more

This weekend I changed cell phone carrier so in order to keep contacts I have to enter it into the new phone.

I have purposefully decided not to add Dane's number into the new phone. Severing one of the last ties I have to him. It is a bittersweet moment and one I am not fully sure that I want to make happen. What if we do want that elusive friendship that everyone always claims that they will have? That just spurs a valid question: Why would I want to be friends with someone who has so unrepentantly hurt me?

Aside from the cheeky response that everyone subconsciously craves some kind of pain. The honest answer is that I wouldn't want that friendship. One of the things that I have been working to accept is that the friendship side of our relationship was almost nonexistent. It is nearly impossible to rekindle a friendship that never truly existed to begin with .

Which only justifies that I need to let go of his number. If only letting go was as easy as it sounds.

Unexpected Blessings

I had always expected that I would be in medical school by this point. That I would be in a loving committed relationship and that we'd be discussing marriage.

I am a planner. I feel safer with a game plan than with spontaneity.

Tonight as my niece cried for me as I left the table despite Nana and Aunt Mary's presence, an epiphany hit me with full force. Maybe the unknowns are better than our expectations. I never expected to have the role in my niece and nephew's lives that I hold. However I am blessed by these opportunities.

I will probably never be comfortable with a life devoid of plans. However I am hoping that I can give those plans back to God and I can rely upon Him.

Maybe God doesn't tell us the game plan because it is so full of oddities that we would be unable to comprehend or accept it. For example trying to explain to a cave man what an airplane or space ship is.

I understand that I may not be able to know all of the details of the game plan, but I really struggle with not even knowing if I am on the path that God wants for my life.

Eating Out..

My birthday was last Thursday. My parents are taking me out this evening to celebrate. My dad sent me a some what frantic text, "Where do you want to eat?" It was the 3rd or 4th time he had asked me.

This is where having an onion and garlic allergy and loving food that generally is made with those items causes me large problems. As I was trying to reply, he called me. As he asked once again where I wanted to eat, I wanted to cry. Where I wanted to eat I knew that I would end up ordering food that would only cause me pain.

I want the Pesto Portabello from Avivo (which has garlic in it). I want the French Onion Soup from Imbiss Grille (which is a really bad idea and the restaurant no longer even exists). I want the Chicken Picata or Eggplant Parmesan from Sweet Basil. I want fajitas. I want real BBQ sauce. I want the Mongolian Beef from the Magic Wok. I want salsa (that doesn't taste sweet) and chips. I want ravioli. I want real pizza. I want Salad Dressing. I want ketchup. I want to be able to eat anything that is on a buffet and not have to ask everyone what and how they made their contributions. I want to ignore labels. I want to be able to go out to a restaurant with friends and not have to give such specific directions and ask so many questions that I am the problem customer. I want Sour Cream and Chives Potato Chips.

I do not want to have sores in my mouth. I do not want an upset stomach. I do not want to vomit or have other digestion problems. I do not want hives or to nearly scratch off my skin when I am too close to lilies. I do not want to fear that when an ingredient label says "spices" it generally includes onions.

I was expressing my frustration to my cousin who also has these allergies. When I asked her to say that it is ok to splurge because its my birthday. She asked me, "Do you want to end up in the hospital?" I then realized how lucky I am. I am not yet to the place where splurging lands me in the hospital. I occasionally splurge, like the chicken pesto cavatappi that I had from noodles 2 weeks ago and I paid for it with an upset stomach and a headache.

This ultimately comes down to what I willing to live with: Safe food and no pain? Or foods that I miss and have problems?

I decided to go to HuHot tomorrow. I will use the sesame oil and soy sauce. Which I have found that I really love. It takes a lot more effort to eat out than it once did, however I am trying to live a normal life.